What Do You Do When You Don't Feel Equipped For The Day?

This year in the beginning of October we were finally able to take a trip to Disneyland. We had been planning it since we got married and the world got in the way. Other plans, COVID-19, finances, we never got a break. My wife was raised about 15 minutes from Disneyland so she. Is. A. Pro. It's like going to a National Park with a squirrel as your guide. You get to see things that nobody else does! She timed everything, we were speedy, even with a little 1-year old and a third party. It had to be October or ASAP because we just found out that she was pregnant with baby number two. She would only be 10 weeks along at that point, baby as big as a prune. If you're further along in pregnancy, what's the point of going to Disneyland? Especially when it's your old stomping grounds. She was smart. She took things slower than usual and didn't ride all the rides she wanted to. It was still a dream come true because we experienced Galaxy's Edge together (so epic). We were planning to fly with these AMAZING 2-way tickets she found for only $20 but it turned out to be a mistake on the airlines part and we got a refund. Drove 8 hours instead. Worth it. Fantastic trip, saw old friends, bought a lightsaber, mission accomplished. Now the plot gets interesting.

Right as we get to Disneyland, after one very smooth childish ride, Maryelena starts to bleed... where it matters when you're pregnant. It was light at first but begins to get heavier. She informs me about what is going on and I try to think back to the cause. It was a smooth drive here, no crazy roller coasters or anything, what's going on? We are there with little Roselynn and one of her friends and my sweet, spiritual, logical, wife shares her insight with me. "well," she said, "either God's going to give us this child or he won't. We've done everything right on our end and we won't know anything until we get home. Let's not let it ruin our trip or the fun for the others." And so off we went to ride with Roselynn through The Hundred Acre Wood with Winnie the Pooh and the gang. Out of the rides we went on, the only ones she didn't go on was Indiana Jones (which is her favorite ride) and Star Tours (I'm the one that shouldn't have rode that. Boy did I get sick). All the others were tame enough and fun to experience with the little one.

We didn't tell her friend about the bleeding and there were smiles all around but I know my wife. I know sitting at the headquarters of her brain, like the movie Inside Out, is this little black orb with all the feelings huddled around it watching it. "What if my baby doesn't make it? What if She's (Maryelena had a feeling it was a girl) already gone? Maybe I shouldn't have come..." For three days these thoughts swirled in her mind. Mine were of the same sort but more focused on taking care of my wife if we find out there's no longer something inside her to take care of.

We drove the 8 hours home (carefully) still with those midnight black orbs in our minds trying to make light conversation and laugh with her friend while also taking care of the little one we were gifted the year before. I feel like it was much heavier on us because we had intended for this little child #2 to come at this exact time. We aimed for ovulation, just like I mentioned in previous posts I was off my epilepsy medication for a month (literally a life threatening choice but worth it when you then have the opportunity to create one). They would be about 20-21 months apart. Close enough to get along and grow together but separate enough to have their group of friends and such.

Within 2 days of being home we were able to get in to her doctor and get an ultrasound. I knew the appointment was happening. I drove up during lunch. I met her there. But somehow I still felt like I was a knight in my underwear about to go on a crusade. I could not possibly fathom the words "I'm sorry" coming from the doctor's mouth. I was not emotionally equipped to deal with the news of losing a child, supporting my wife through it all, telling our very close family, and then trying again. Roselynn would be much older than her sibling and the thought of trying again terrified me. I was supposed to be the strong one. I didn't have a baby inside me. I. Was not. Equipped. For this day. I don't know anyone who could be. Please comment or share how you were if you have had a similar experience.

But... those words never came. I saw it. I saw the little one. Not only did I see it but it BOUNCED as if to say "MAMA! I'm right here and I'm okay. I'll be there soon." With lightning quick fingers and precision, like a video game champion, the doctor controlled the machine and targeted the baby's heartbeat, turned on audio for all to hear, and we lost our composure. I know the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame and music award ceremonies are vast and historical but there is no song or rhythm to compare to the beat of your own baby's heart. Not only was it beating but the doctor continued to inform us that it was very strong and doing very well. Comfort flushed the room. We embraced and cried holding one another as the doctor moved on to his other tasks.

A few weeks later we did the gender reveal as well as revealing to everyone that we were expecting. We hit a plastic baseball we bought on Amazon and only her aunt knew the gender (video found below).

Turns out Maryelena and most of the guests present were right. We are expecting a little girl, a baby sister for Roselynn. She is due May 9, 2022. The day after Mother's Day. I got Roselynn as a birthday gift and now she'll get one for Mother's Day. That will make gift getting easy this year am I right? Look out world, here comes little Emma Sue.